Audra Dekle

Freedom has always meant a lot to me. The word, the meaning, the connotations, the feelings— I have reminders of it everywhere. I wear “set free” on a necklace everyday. I have it hanging on my walls. It’s in my Instagram bio. My mom even has it tattooed on her! I love freedom, and I have prided myself on knowing the freedom that Jesus gives us. But, recently, I have discovered that I don’t really know this freedom. I could tell you that Jesus gives us freedom and that I believe that with my whole heart, but my version of “Jesus’s freedom” could be summed into two words: tally marks. I realized that I feel most free when I feel good about myself. So, I unconsciously became a tally mark collector, taking note of every moment where I felt good and “free.” A good conversation? Tally mark. A good grade? Tally mark. Left a good impression? Tally mark. They think highly of me? Tally mark. If I could convince people to like me, if I could just preform well, I wouldn’t have to worry about if people didn’t, and I would feel good about myself. Then, I would feel free.  I believed this system of measuring up, of pressure, of striving and earning was the freedom that Jesus gives, and it was exhausting. I believed in a tally mark-freedom. 

      I had this realization on a Friday morning, around 6:30 and on my second cup of coffee. I was reading through Exodus, about God calling Moses to tell Pharaoh to let His people go, to set them free from their captivity in Egypt. I read through the plagues and Pharaoh’s resistance, and finally, Pharaoh’s words to Moses and Aaron to take the Israelites and leave. Exodus 12:51 says “And on that very day the Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions.” And I thought about what a clear picture of freedom that is. The Lord taking His people out of slavery, out of oppression in Egypt, and into freedom. From being physically enslaved to being free, no longer bound by law and generations of slavery status. I found myself wishing that understanding and living in freedom was this clear. That there was a clear “setting free” moment where all captivity lies behind and only freedom goes before. All I knew was that I still felt captive, heavy, and tired even though I claimed that Jesus had set me free. I kept hearing the phrase “Phony Freedom” in my head over and over again. Phony Freedom. Phony Freedom. Phony Freedom. And I felt like Jesus was gently telling me that His freedom, the freedom that I thought I had down, is not the freedom I’ve been living in. His freedom is so much more, and He wants me to know it. His freedom is not dependent on my performance, on my status, on my feelings, how I view myself, how others view me. His freedom isn’t easily shaken or part-time, in between one encounter and the next. His freedom is not something I have to earn, accomplish, strive for, or impress Him to get. His freedom is light and restorative and refreshing, all the time and all over. It is not tally marks.

In John 14:16-17, Jesus says, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever– the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and within you.” 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Do you know what this means!? As believers, we have the Holy Spirit living in and within us– we get to constantly be in His presence. And you know what’s in His presence? Freedom!!! We have access to Jesus’s freedom (1) all of the time and (2) just from being in His presence. It is not about what I can do to feel free. It is all about Jesus and His presence. And in His presence, there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11), there is rest (Matthew 11:28), there is an easy yoke and a light burden (Matthew 11:29-30), there is power, love, and self control (2 Timothy 1:7), there is freedom. He is so good– we don’t have to work for our freedom, earn it, measure up. We get to relish in it just because that is who Jesus is and what he does– He sets people free.

I’m clinging to Romans 8:1-2 that says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death,” remembering that there’s no condemnation for figuring out freedom, that it is Jesus who has set us free (not me and what I can do!), and that Jesus has set us free so that we get to live in life and abundantly. I’m still fighting the urge to tally mark, to equate Jesus’s freedom with my performance. But I’m learning that the only mark that matters and the only mark God sees when He looks at us is the mark of Jesus’s blood. There will never be a time when we are separated from God, where we are separated from His presence– Jesus closed the gap by dying on the cross, ensuring that we get to dwell in His presence, in His freedom, forever. I am covered in His blood, and I am free!