Audrey is that person that I simply cannot spend enough time with. She is a delight; she loves others fiercely and it certainly does NOT go unnoticed, she has loved me consistently in a way I simply do not deserve, she is walking tightly with the Lord and it is so evident in the way she lives her life, and I could probably write an essay on how much this woman means to me. Audrey, the Lord is doing incredible things in your life and I consider myself blessed to simply know you. You are compassionate, dedicated, and in passionate pursuit of his heart. I am awe-inspired by you!
Hi sweet friend.
First of all, if you happened upon this because you are a friend of K Huff, you know how truly blessed you are by her friendship. She asked me to share what the Lord had laid on my heart. And I’ll be honest because honesty is the best policy, right? I put it off. Why? I didn’t really have a “feel-good” word for y’all. I was struggling and in a season of life that wasn’t fun. At all.
This is the story I have for you. It’s not incredibly pretty. It doesn’t show me in the best light. It’s not tied up with a nice bow and ribbon. I’m not done struggling. I’m still praying for breakthrough. But this is what God is doing in my life. In the life of a girl who prided herself on keeping it all together, and who fell apart when she couldn’t. It’s a story of a kind God who didn’t leave her in her brokenness and failure, but day by day is showing her what freedom could be.
I asked the Lord for a word at the end of last year, praying for the Lord to give me something fresh. Rather than receive a word, I clearly felt him speak a name over me. His name. Jehovah Jireh. The God who provides.
I walked into January and was hit in the face with one of the craziest marathons I’ve ever participated in. I was out of town every single weekend, taking on new leadership roles in several organizations, had the hardest class schedule I had ever dealt with, a switch to a new medicine, a grandparent with cancer, and friends and family who were struggling in many different areas.
The emotional weight was unbearable. Physically, I was exhausted. I felt like a hamster on a never ending wheel to nowhere. No matter how much I did, it was never enough. No matter how much I studied, I didn’t get the grade I wanted. No matter how hard I tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps and soldier on, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. I was at the end of my rope.
I found my worth in my academics.
When I made my first failing grade on a test, I began to spiral.
I found my identity in my titles and positions.
When I didn’t’ receive the position I was sure I would get, I felt like a failure.
I prided myself on being there for others.
When I was suffocating over the emotional weight I was carrying for others, I began to unravel.
As spring semester continued, I cried almost daily. Definitely weekly. And I am not a weak person. I am strong, and I had never felt so weak and helpless in my entire life. In the midst of struggles, tragedy, and heartbreak, idols became so clear to me. I saw where I gained my worth from. I said it was from the Lord, but an honest inventory revealed something incredibly different.
I am nothing without the Lord. Apart from Him, nothing matters.
No success will fulfill you.
It will only leave you empty, insecure, and tired.
No position will make you feel enough.
It only more deeply causes you to question your qualifications and magnify your shortcomings.
Here’s the sin the Lord revealed to me in this season.
I have a pride problem.
I feel the need to “be perfect” because I need to feel in-control.
I need to feel in control because I don’t trust the one who is in control.
Why? Because I don’t believe he is who he says he is. Not personally anyways.
Oh don’t get me wrong. I’m a good Christian gal. I know all the right answers.
I know God is good. My problem is that I don’t truly believe in the depths of my soul that He is good to me.
I know the bible says that nothing can separate me from the love of God. But I still worry that maybe my sin is too much for the cross, or that God is angry at me when I fail.
I know that it’s faith, not works that saves me. But I still work as though my salvation is dependent on me.
So from this place of realization, I have started my journey back into the arms of a loving father, asking for forgiveness and for a change of heart.
As I wrestle with leaving perfectionism behind, I’m praying:
God I believe you are good. Help me believe that you are good to me.
God I believe you are love. Help me believe that you love me so deeply.
God I believe that you have plans for me. Help me believe that they are better than my own.
God I believe that you are kind. Help me believe you are kind to me.
God I believe you are faithful. Help me believe you are and always will be faithful to me.
God I believe that you are pleased with me. Help me believe that nothing I do can make you love me anymore or any less.
God help me live in freedom.
To my self-proclaimed perfectionists, please let me tell you this.
When you try to hold things together, they will fall apart. When you fall apart in the arms of a loving father who is GOOD and who is GOOD TO YOU, you will find peace and joy and acceptance that you will never find anywhere else.
I’m working towards living in freedom. What’s keeping you from freedom?
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